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Stages of Grief

Let's Work Through This Together

Everyone says the harder you fight something the harder it gets for you...so let's talk about this. This is one of the hardest things to go through in life and we fight ourselves through these stages and it is not easy! let's start there...Grieving is not easy so just understand that when you slowly do better little by little, you are a warrior! It takes immense strength to get through times like this. Next understand that you do not have to go through it alone, and I think now is a perfect time to talk about grief because with this pandemic people are experiences it at a rapid rate and in such a different way! Honestly though, even in general before this pandemic, people experience it all the time. I don't know I guess I am hoping that knowing you are not alone and the stages of Grief are normal experiences...it might help someone. So let's do this..... (and in no particular order, Grief is messy...just know that).


Shock and Disbelief....

This usually happens when you find out that you lost a loved one or you are about to. This is a tricky stage because it's like you hear the news of what's going on but your brain isn't registering it, it's blocking it. You understand what it means but you just can't wrap you head around it. This is hard because once it hits you, it hits hard. Honestly I don't even know how to avoid this or if it can be avoided. Everyone handles these things differently (that's the hard part about grief there's not solid structure or way to go through it or to avoid it). Make sure if you are giving this kind of news or receiving it that you are with someone in person, I don't think anyone should hear this alone, for emotional and health reasons. When my shock wore off I had a panic attack, and I almost passed out from it. Thankfully I had my husband with me and he knew exactly what to do. This is such a hard stage, please do what you can to take care of yourself and take your time. There is no time limit on grieving. I like to tell myself that it helps to know what's to come so I won't get caught off guard again, This is where my knowledge and experience with grief helps.

Denial...

This is different for everyone (much like all the other stages). Denial can be not accepting that your loved on has passed. There's no rhyme or reason to this thinking...it's just "No". No, I don't want to hear it, I don't want to deal with it, I don't want anything to do with this. Done.


It could be Denying that you are struggling or need to grieve. I tried to Deny that I am still grieving, I was trying to convince myself that I had a good grip on reality and yes I was sad but I was okay, I was doing it, I was going through the stages like I should. I learned very quickly that I was in denial, I am not okay, I am a complete mess. Sometimes it's okay to not be okay.

Anger & Bargaining...

This stage is way to easy to go through. I say this because you are so hurt that you will find anything and everything to be mad at. You will say a lot of "Well if _____ would've been done" or "You should have____" and " Why didn't anyone _____" and phrases close to this. Especially right now with Covid-19 it is an easy trap to get mad and try to blame someone. With Covid statements like " If you wore a mask around _____" or " If you would've taken this more seriously ____ wouldn't have gotten sick" or something close to these phrases, the phrases are endless. My new phrase "Just wear the Damn mask!", and who knows maybe masks help maybe they don't but why take chances. This is such an unpopular topic so I will leave it at that, I won't force anyone to believe one way or another but I know I always wear a mask and take extra measures to be safe. One thing I realized about anger is ...it's a waste of time because in the end, nothing will bring them back so the only thing to be mad at is how bad the pain hurts. Bargaining, for me looked like this... " I would do anything to get her back", or "I would do anything to have more time" and " I wish I could change the last few months". I even had a dream that I saw my Mama and I was begging her to come back with me. The mind is a tricky thing! Sometimes it can even be irrational, this makes things a lot harder. Bargaining made it very clear that I wasn't even close to being okay.


Guilt...

What an ugly stage. Before I get into this one I want to say...Be easy on yourself, you are already grieving you don't need it to be harder than it already is. Guilt is natural but be easy, don't let it eat at you. In my opinion one of the most common things to feel guilty about is time, not spending enough time. I have felt this every time I have lost someone. The thing is, how can you know you needed to spend more time, or that you weren't spending enough time...there is no answer to that because no one knows when time is up. Please don't stress yourself about time, it's never promised and it's never expected to end. Another part of Guilt could be not saying what you wish you would've said all this time. You would think I learned my lesson in this one. I wish I would've told my Tutu (My Grandma) and My Aunty what they meant to me. I will say I learned after that and I have told the people who are here with me how much I love them. The hardest one for me though is not being able to tell my Mama, She only spoke Spanish and I knew very little. I know everyone says "They knew how much you loved them", in order to comfort you but sometimes you just feel the need to have said it.

Loneliness & Depression

Aren't we done with grief yet? like isn't that enough lol. *Deep Sigh* okay so loneliness and depression, an easy stage to sink into and get stuck in. Of course, you are going to be depressed this stuff hurts! At the same time even though you feel alone, you have to keep in mind that you are not alone. Also, it is so hard to reach out for help when you are hurting, alone, and depressed but please make sure to reach out to someone even when it hurts. I personally don't like this stage (not like anyone does) so I have been reaching out, speaking out, and trying so hard to get out of this stage. Thank God for my supporters...no really, I could not have gotten through this without you! I am not completely over this, depression but I'm not afraid to feel because I know I have people around me to help pull me up if I feel like I am drowning in sorrow. You don't have to crowd yourself with people, just make sure you have the people who support you close by. Make sure you reach out for professional help if you need to, whatever that may look like for you and do not be ashamed to do it! Heck even I am thinking about looking for a Grief Counselor or Coach...

Acceptance...

I don't know about acceptance, I don't think I have ever reached or gotten past this stage. This stage doesn't mean it doesn't hurt anymore it just means that you can make it through the day and function like a person again. This stage means that you are no longer in shock you are no longer feeling the weight as if it's still happening. To me the word "acknowledgement" comes to mind, Acknowledging that the loved one is gone and you have to get back to the world..for me that's the extent of that. Again, everyone is different and I am sure if I wasn't grieving at his moment I would be able to think of a better way to describe this stage. I have never been good with loss and I know no one really is but I just don't like facing it, I don't like to having to think of loved ones in the past tense (this is a for real struggle right now).

Empath & Dreams

Okay so technically this isn't a stage but I have to know...does anyone else dream about their loved one? because this is a stage for me! Let's take it to the next level, Does anyone ever talk to their loved one in their dreams after they have passed?! or is this just me?! Every time I have lost someone I dream about them and I talk to them. My most recent loss was my Mama (My mother in law) one morning I woke up walked around a little bit and then decided I was still tired and went back to bed. When I went back to bed I was dreaming I saw Mama and we were drinking coffee and I told her " Man, Mama...I am so tired, I have just been so hurt that I am tired. The stress and grief is hard...I miss you" and then I woke up. I have endless of stories like this...so I am curious, do you do this too?!


Normally I end my blog with what I like to think of as words of wisdom, encouragement and a helping hand....but unfortunately my friends not today. The only help I can offer is help looking for a grief coach or counselor because this is not my forte. I am Horrible when it comes to loss and grief. To be completely honest I am a complete baby in this area and I need to work on this myself. I WILL say that I can always be an ear for listening and someone who can relate if that helps. If you just need to talk I am here, that I can do.


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